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As the festive lights twinkle and the world seems to be wrapped in a blanket of joy, my heart feels the stark contrast of this season. I'm 55 and this is my first holiday without both my mom and dad. The absence of their presence is a palpable void, a silent scream in a room full of laughter and celebration.
Growing up, the holidays were magical, a time when my parents would transform our home into a wonderland of love and warmth. Mom's laughter was the melody that danced through the rooms, and dad's stories were the glue that held us together, a tradition as important as the ornaments on the tree. Their absence feels like a cold wind blowing through my soul, extinguishing the warmth of memories.
I find myself navigating through a maze of emotions. There's an overwhelming sense of loss that seems to engulf me as I see families gathering, sharing love and joy. I long for the familiar comfort of my parents' hugs, the sound of their voices, and the unconditional love that radiated from their being. Their absence is a reminder of the fragility of life and the relentless march of time.
Amidst the festivities, I feel isolated, as if I'm living in a parallel universe where joy is a language I no longer understand. I watch others indulging in the spirit of the season, and I feel like an outsider, unable to partake in their happiness. The bright lights and merry songs feel like a stark contrast to the darkness that looms within me.
I've realized that grief is not a linear journey. It comes in waves, sometimes a gentle ebb, at other times a tumultuous storm. There are moments when I find myself laughing, momentarily forgetting the pain, only to be hit by a wave of guilt for experiencing joy in their absence.
The holidays also bring a sense of nostalgia, a longing for the past. I find myself reminiscing about the holidays spent with my parents, each memory a bittersweet reminder of what I've lost. I cling to these memories, fearful of the day they might fade, leaving me in a world where my parents are but distant echoes.
In coping with this grief, I've learned to allow myself to feel. I don't mask my sadness with a facade of holiday cheer. Instead, I embrace it, acknowledging that it's okay not to be okay. I've found solace in small rituals that keep my parents' memory alive – like making dad's favorite holiday dish or hanging mom's favorite ornaments on the tree. These acts are my way of keeping their spirit a part of my holidays.
I've also learned the importance of reaching out, of sharing my grief with friends who have become my chosen family. They don't always have the right words, but their presence, their willingness to listen, to sit with me in my pain, has been a source of comfort.
As I navigate through this holiday season, I am learning that grief and joy can coexist. There are fleeting moments of happiness, glimpses of peace amidst the sorrow. I'm learning to cherish these moments, to hold onto them as a testament to the love and the life my parents and I shared.
This holiday season, I am raw and real in my feelings, embracing the complexity of human emotion. I'm learning to walk through grief, carrying it with me as I step into a future where my parents live on in my heart, in the memories we shared, and in the love that never fades, even in their absence.
Just in case you need a bit of support during the holidays, The Authentic Rebel is holding a powerful event and opportunity for support on December 20, 2023. Please join us.
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